Marchy March

It's March. Hooray!  Through social media I stumbled upon a fact that my former roommate's dog has passed recently.  This is depressing. This causes me to reflect.  This causes me to think about the last time I saw him, did I say good bye? did I wish him a happy healthy life?

I wish I could say with 100% confidence that I did, but me leaving my former apartment was wrapped in so much drama, it was exhausting.   Two years ago, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.   I got wrapped up in my past relationship and alienated myself from friendships, from reason, from common sense.  I thought I was believing in love, as it turns out, I was merely being a fool.   Sometime in March, it became very difficult for me to be in the apartment I shared.  I was paying rent, but felt like I was paying for a room.  It felt like a burden to come and go as I please and I felt like I needed to announce when I would be there and when I wouldn't.  It was unnerving.  It was also mostly self-inflicted.  It caused me to spend more and more time away from home.  This in turn caused me to get more and more involved in a relationship.  Involved at a faster pace than I generally would recommend or want.  A faster pace than was good for me.  

When it came time to buy my own place and move in on my own, wanted to assert my independence was portrayed as a negative to the relationship I was in.  It was portrayed as wanted to end things.  It was skewed that way, and since I didn't want it to be like so it seemed best for the relationship for my partner to move in (this was later in the year not in March).   This was was March 2 years go.  Where my home life/personal life was so incredibly stressful a large part of me shut down. 

March one year ago, is when that relationship I buried myself into ended.  March 9th to be exact.  That was also yet another time my personal life entered a much more difficult phase.  The time between Marches, was filled with some happiness, some house hunting, some fighting, some moving, some night classes at northeastern, some decorating, and some fighting.  A lot of life stuff was in motion and I think that business stayed off the breakup, if not adding to it.  It is also possible, that I was so busy that I withdrew from the relationship.  This isn't a post about picking apart that or placing blame.  I was half a relationship, I'm at the least half the blame.   (That's the mature way to think about it right?)

That gets us to this March, where a lot of things have been falling into place.  Work is going really well, my dogs are doing great, there isn't a lot of financial stress.  I'm finally out of the clouds of all that mess.  I'm thankful that at the moment my personal life isn't in shambles, and knock on wood, won't be.  Except, I learned of the dogs passing.  Which is sad, because I don't know if I was able to say goodbye to him the way he deserved.   He was a great dog.  I loved walking him, I often walked him and Harper.  I would take him on car rides.  He prepared me to be a dog owner and for that I am grateful.   I feel for my former roommate too, I can only imagine how difficult this time is.  His life has been coming to a close, and it seemed like he was going to pass 2 years ago, but he stayed around.  It doesn't make his passing any easier. 

Anyway that is what was on my mind.  How 2 years ago sucked.  How 1 year ago sucked.  This year things are looking up, but some sad news.  A big takeaway for me in this, which applies to both friendships and relationships.  Really be aware of who you let in.  Anyone that issues an ultimatum or demands you to chose one or the other... get away from.  If a friend can't see why you have a special someone in your life, and your special someone can't see why you have a friend in your life... they are never going to understand who you are, what you want.

On Parenthood

While I only have k-9's and not biological children, I'm not completely exempt from fatherhood like emotions.  First, let me say, I understand that my dogs, are dogs.  They are my furkids and my responsibility... but I get they aren't human, and aren't the same.   Second, let me say, that I am overflowing with pride in my pooch Harper.  

Harper is a rescue.  He came from Arkansas where he was found on the side of the road with his mother, brother, and sister.  He is a cream lab/shepherd something mix.  When Harper reached adolescence and I moved to south boston, he began getting aggressive towards other dogs.  There was also a very low threshold from when he'd go from playing to fighting.   I ignored it, hoped it was a phase until I finally sought out help this past winter.  It was by far the best decision I've ever made.

Since February, my relationship with Harper has turned around.  He listens to me much more than he used to and that makes him such a joy to be around.  His aggression is beginning to be addressed in classes, but for now he's really beginning to change for the better.  

Prior to doggie defense class tonight Harper was so well behaved outside waiting.  He was focused on me and the treats instead of the other dogs.  He was calm and relaxed.  Other trainers of more experienced dogs noticed and complemented me.  They even told the instructor how good he was being outside.

Now, on top of it all, there's an event in Boston for k-9 dogs.  Police dogs certification and demonstration.  It just so happens that my class is putting on a demo and I have the chance to participate.  So with Harper and a bunch of other dogs, we'll be able to 'show off'.

In doggie defense Harper is still a newb.  He doesn't 'turn on' yet.   He still doesn't have a fancy leather harness.  All of that is changing, the trainer is going to order one for him, so hopefully by the demonstration he will 'turn on'.   It's very rewarding to work towards something improving and it actually improving.

So when I think about the progress, I get a tad emotional, my eyes get a little bit more watery.  My heart sinks a bit, and I get a couple goosebumps.  I love this pup and will keep working at it to be the best handler he's ever had.

Seeing as i got him at 4months, he hasn't had many.

Harper's progress report...

Here is a fun story of my adventures getting Harper's  rabies shot up to date at a rabies clinic in East Boston....  The short of it is we survived 2 hours waiting in line around dogs, kids, cats, and people.  The long of it is.... 

I realized Thursday night that Harper's Rabies shot expired on May 5th 2013.  Luckily I saw there was a rabies clinic on Saturday morning by the city of boston, where he could get a 3 year shot and we would be good to go and I'd not have to worry about getting into my vets doing an exam and all that. 

So I got there promptly at 10AM and there was a line of dogs, cats, and even people passing by going to a community yard sale happening at the same place.  Equipped with my bait bag,  I tried to keep Harper's attention and 'stand in line'  he was ok, and mostly looking at the cats in front of us.  All was good until a man with a corgi got in line behind us and did not give us any space.  You don't get as close in a dog line as a human line.  Luckily right before Harper gave off his territorial growl I told the owner he needed to back up, give us some space and keep his dog close.  I figure I get one point for being Harper's protector and -1 point for letting a negative interaction happen where harper let out a growl. 

The line snaked around a sidewalk and there was an interior courtyard, so I decided it'd be best if i took Harper over to the grass out of the line and work on holding his attention having him sit, lie down, respond to his name, etc.  He actually did really well and ate treats and kept more interest in me than the other dogs and cats.  slight exceptions were when kids would come up and ask to pet them, I told them no.  Also, at one point Harper was in a down and someone lost control of their dog (got off leash) and he ran between Harper and myself... Harper did not lunge or snap at the dog from the down position but did let out a really big huff and puff.  I interpret that as progress but I count it as a negative dog interaction.

These were the only two dog growling events that happened in what turned to be a 2 hour wait outside...  So that is really the fun part... we managed to stay safe and keep his focus for 2 whole house outside surrounded by kids, dogs, cats, strangers, etc.   I also received a complement from one of the animal controller officers for using a pronged collar correctly. 

Once inside Harper was fine, there were no other dogs around and Harper does ok with vets handling him.   It was that two hour wait that was challenging my training abilities.  

While there was some growling and defensiveness events, I was really proud that I could keep my cool, that I we could wait for 2 hours, and that I could get and hold on to Harpers attention for periods of time.   If this was before I started my training I think there would have been a lot more barking, snapping and some biting.  I don't think we would have lasted the wait outside. It was a good test of my confidence in my ability and Harper's view on me.  

I do see that he is starting to value me more than his surroundings... so we are moving in the right direction.

Yay dog training and thank you pawsitive dog!  (www.thepawsitivedog.com) 

Adventures in dog training

So Harper, my 2 year old rescue, whom I've had since he was a little over 4 months old is in classes at The Pawsitive Dog.  One of the reasons training needed to happen was because he began to show aggressive behavior at dog parks.  He would snap at the water bowl at other dogs, he would start dog fights over toys at the dog park, and he would go from playing to fighting with no real rhyme or reason.  This was incredibly stressful on me.  My perfect angel of a dog was now a terror.  I was failing him as a leader.  I had initially looked into training and got side tracked by the class I was taking at Northeastern, then when that was over, and it was clear this behaivor was not just a phase, I had booked a consultation at +dog.  The trouble there was they were booked two months out. so my November call got me an appointment in January.

In the meantime I sought out the trainer at Boston Red Dog, who was really great. She did a one on one class with me and taught me some basic commands to work with Harper on, like "Look", "Leave it", and "Stay w/ distractions".  These were great tools, but working on these with Harper seemed he was learning new commands but not learning new behavior.  So after the consultation he is now enrolled at +dog, and we've had 3 classes.  The first two were more lectures on how as humans we should treat dogs so that they understand us.  Kind of how to look at ones actions from the perspective of a dog.  So the first month has been a lot of restructuring, reestablishing myself as the pack leader, and engaging in things that I stopped.  While Harper and myself were not getting help, I simply stopped doing things that made him aggressive, so it was kind of like no dog park, no toys with other dogs, no treats with other dogs around, no raw hides, etc etc.  It made dog ownership not that fun.  Sure we still played and walked, but it made dog-adventures more scary than fun.  What if we run into another dog, what if he bites someone, what if he bites me, etc.  So now the enjoyment I got from taking Harper on walks, to the beach, hiking, to the dog park was tarnished.

The third class is where things get interesting.  This class was last night.  This is the first time that we work with the dogs.  So now Harper is in an environmental where there are treats, other dogs, and people.  Everyone in the class was made aware of the risk (Harper being easily distracted and or could get nasty w/ the treats), so the trainer made sure everyone was set up for success.   So we were working on something called 'get off me' where we push the dog out with our legs and reward the dog laying down.  well during one of these incidents Harper went after my foot.  He let out a huge bark and clamped around my shoe.  Kind of like you see a dog play bite another dog when they are nipping at the legs.   So I was embarrassed  nervous scared.  Looking back at it all, with the added hindsight of instructions from the teacher on how to handle that situation.  I again was failing Harper as a leader.   Harper startled me, he broke my calmness and my foundation.  I showed him a weakness.  If I want to correct this dog and be a strong leader I can't be startled by him.   The teacher was very wise (and she is an awesome instructor), and reinforced that you should correct, redirect, reward.  Harper barked and bit, but it was corrected then it didn't happen.  As a handler of a dog, or an Alpha you have to let it go, you told the dog what is up, and then carry on like nothing has happened.  So I as an owner, alpha, parent need to be ready to correct and also ready to forget.

I worked on the same exercise with Harper at home, and he did fine, he laid down stayed out of my space and didn't growl at me.  So I know he has it in him to display good behavior.  I'm very excited about the structure and environmental.  Dog training isn't just for the pups, it is for the owners too.  Hopefully in some time, after I become strong and Harper becomes secure that there will be more off leash fun and off leash adventures!

A bitter sweet update

So, because I somewhat scale down what I post about personal life on facebook, I have to find an outlet somewhere.  I don't open up a lot about my personal life, but I feel like doing so will be somewhat therapeutic for me.

The past 17months I was involved in a serious relationship.  A few weeks ago that relationship ended.  Hearts are broken, but on both parts.  The relationship slowly died and we tried to hard to hold it together.  We both decided that it is best if we downgrade our relationship to friends.  John is a very caring man.  He always had my best interests at heart.  I however also had my best interests at heart and sometimes that caused issues.  I don't easily let people into my life, and I'm very glad I got to experience this relationship with John.  I'm sorry it is over, and I'm sad it is over.  Somewhere along the way of the relationship we both lost track of ourselves.  We fell out of love with ourselves and that translated into lashing out at each other.  So spending time focusing on ourselves is best for both of us no matter how hard it is.   I still care about John, and will look out for him as I look out for any of my friends.  There are things that brought us together and I think we both look forward to keeping those things in common and having a friendship around those such interests.   I really hope he finds someone who can love him and take care of him the way he needs.  I also hope that I find someone to love me and take care of me the way I need.

So in the past year, I've lost a best friend (not dead, just ended a one sided friendship), bought my condo, and added another pup to the family.  So I have Harper who is 2 years old, and I now have Mojo, a 4 year old Shiba Inu.  He is by far the coolest most mellow dog every.   He does wonders for Harpers energy and temperament.

The story of how he joined my pack is nothing short of kismet.  The day after Thanksgiving 2012, was a Friday... meaning street cleaning.  It being a day after a holiday, I didn't think about the street cleaning at all.  So my car got towed, the silver lining was that the lot was walking distance to my house.  I also luckily had some cash on hand to bail out the Audi.   I came back from getting my car, and I saw this dog walking down the street with no leash, no collar, and no owner.  He ran up behind my house, and I followed.  He is a red shiba, who had clearly gotten out.   John had a cream Shiba Inu, so I wanted to save him feeling an attachment to the breed (or at least to show John).  I called the puppy to me and scooped him up.  Then walked back to the front of the house to see if an owner was out looking for him.   While I was standing in front of my house trying to decide between going inside to show John, or to look for the owner, a woman came around the corner pushing a stroller.  

It was her dog.  She told me that he gets out all the time, and that they are at their wits end with him.  They told me his name was Mojo.  I offered to help carry him home for her, but she declined and carried him under her arm up the street.  

Now cut to two weeks later, I've taken time off work to study for my final, and I looked on craigslist for  'shiba'.  I saw that a Shiba was found in south boston... I asked if the shiba was Mojo, the person told me they found the owner and they thought it was a different shiba.  So now I'm on like shiba look out... and a week or two later, right in the middle of December, I saw a post about a Shiba in South Boston needing a new home.  After finding out that this Shiba was Mojo who I saved once, I knew I had to save him again.  We brought him into the pack, and he quickly adapted and hasn't tried to escape yet. 

While the added stress of another mouth to feed, additional vet bills, and more time spent tending to the pups is there.  The reward of knowing that he's now in a safe and loving home is more than worth the labor.  

So I've lost touch with a lot of friend and want to rectify that. I have to work on me...  more gym time, more pup time, more friend time... hopefully that will bring me out of the funk and allow me to search for love again.  If not well.. I'm not going to be that pessimistic. 

Goal setting exercise.

This week I want to set goals.

I have an exam on friday, a final a week from friday, and a project due on the following tuesday.  Not to mention an adult life.  Significant other, fur-kid, etc.

So...

What are some goals that I want to set for this week.
1) gym 3x this week
2) ace exam
3) study study study
4) get to work before 10am

Should be able to achieve all of these!

Dream log

Last night I was dreaming. Themes in the dream had to do with living in southie, work, driving, a coffee shop, a friend of an exfriend.

I remember being at a lake or a beach with a group of friends, and this exfriend being there. I remember feeling the unresolved emotions from the reason we no longer talk. Then as the event ended we all went our separate ways and I drove to this part of town i liked specifically a place I had wanted to live (in dream world). I found out that it was where the exfriend now lived. Which sucked because in the dream, I lived in southie. This place was in southie, and I like at least a river between me and people who feel the need to screw me over. Or at least people who make me out to be a bad guy even though I'm doing absolutely nothing wrong to them. (Except maybe calling them out for childish games). But this fictional building in southie, by the waterfront was awesome! It was across the street from a redline stop and the first floor was a long connection of restaurants and/or hotels (way better than that dream I had where the old navy ship was turned into a bug floating black market mall). So I remember walking through the first floor of this retail Mecca and navigating past a coffee shop and people asking out loud how much the coffee was. [it is very strange in dreams to feel like you heard something]. So then in dream fashion there was a time skip slash location skip and me and a group of people were driving. We were driving home from something very late, and taking the long way (or even just going off exploring) an someone in the car pointed out that this person (higher up coworker) was following us, and so then we were frantically trying to get in touch with him to tell him we didn't know where we were going or tro tell him to at least head home.

I'm trying to remember if there were any other details. There might have been something involving my house back in Tewksbury and a pack of dogs, but the details for that are all hazy.

Now I want to watch inception!